Seeing Grey

People with a strong creative side usually have a high level of anxiety. It’s the drive and motivation behind every writing, painting, drawing, sculpture, photograph, song, or dance. It becomes a form of communication and expression. I’ve been communicating as a writer since I could pick up a pen. I used to keep a journal, but once I started blogging (long before this blog) I communicated to the public so others could relate. I write about my life truthfully and maybe too bluntly at times. I write about my friendships, relationships, drama I go through, and life thoughts. I don’t write about the people in my life to alter anyone’s perception on somebody else. It’s my own interaction, not how they interact with everyone. I know I can be difficult at times. I am very passionate, stubborn, opinionated, strong, competitive, and prefer to see things in black and white. I either like someone or I don’t. I prefer to do things my way or it’s the highway. Once I’m done with someone, I’m done. I’ve always been that way until lately. My black and white world has turned into a cloudy shade of grey.

I recently finished 50 Shades of Grey and now on the second book. Not to stray off subject, but I found it a bit disappointing. I had heard about how shocking it is, but I don’t agree. The guy is into having a lot of sex with someone he loves… what’s shocking about that? I guess he likes it a little kinky, but whatever, everyone has their own fantasies. People focus too much on the sex instead understanding the underlying message. Everyone has baggage, some worse than others. People come into your life to help with it, change your world,  your view on life, and yourself. Christian Grey is a rich, good looking, successful young man, but inside is extremely unhappy and insecure. He meets a strong, independent woman that has her own insecurities, but not on the same level. They begin this toxic love affair, affecting each other in a way they had to experience. They constantly fight as they struggle with their own emotions. The story is fiction, but I’m sure a lot of people can relate to it.

What I didn’t know before I was handed the books, was that it takes place in Seattle. I scolded my coworker for not telling me. She giggled. She did it on purpose because she was afraid I wouldn’t read it since my relationship with Seattle has ended. It should be black and white. I’m over it. He shouldn’t be a passing thought. Welcome to my “grey” area. I still have relationships in the city, business and personal, so the thought of him is constantly around me. It makes me miss him. Today is his birthday and ten months from the exact day I met him. It’s been hard for me that I couldn’t be a part of it. I had a huge plan for it. It started with a gift I got him months ago and scheduled it to arrive before his birthday. I supposed I should’ve stop it, but I didn’t want to. It meant something important and just because we didn’t work out, the meaning still exists.

This is very new to me and hard to handle. My friends are supportive, but surprised as they have never seen someone affect me after I’m over it. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s all the built up anger, maybe I still love him. Does one ever really stop loving someone? I don’t believe in love at first site, but the day I met him, maybe I did fall in love. I had never had been so impressed by one person. It’s hard to explain, even to myself. It was very scary for me. I did a lot to push him and those emotions away.

I am not crazy or obsessed with my past relationship. I get through my days fine without thinking about him. I just don’t understand why he still pops up. There are just certain people that will always have a place in your heart no matter what happened. The only thing that gives me comfort is that I’m not the only one going through it. I have a lot of friends in the same position including my roommate. When my roommate came home. She said, “It’s probably because of his birthday. You are so weird about birthdays. I bet after tomorrow you won’t give him a passing thought. We need to make a pack to not contact these guys.” She paused, “after you drive me to his house so I can confront him. I can’t stand that he is ignoring me and want to make sure someone else isn’t there.” I gave her a look, but threw my hands up and said, “I’m not one to judge, been there, done that, along with how many other friends we know.”

I drove her to the boy’s house, where she was a nervous wreck. She walked up to the door and ending up arguing with him through his bedroom window. She got back in car, “Well, that sucked. Let’s go to the gas station, I need wine.” I gave her a look of sympathy and said, “If it makes you feel better, at least you didn’t spend $500 to try to make it work.” She laughed, “Don’t worry I got a roadie to make me feel better.” She pulled out a mini bottle of Barefoot Pinot Grigio. I busted out laughing. “That is not a roadie! It’s a mini. A roadie is a can of beer or forty.” At least it changed the mood, and we both felt a lot better.

The grey area in any breakup eventually clears up. It may be tomorrow, it may be next year. Who knows? I don’t. Timing has a lot to do with. One may not be ready to deal with the emotions they are feeling. Some people aren’t meant to be no matter how much you care. They are stepping stones to learn from and open your heart to who you’re meant to be with. I’m still doing me, living the way I want, and happy being on my own. When it comes to relationship, it takes two. Either way, I do truly wish Seattle a very happy birthday. If he was never born, who knows where I would be or what I would be doing. He changed my life and gave me unforgettable memories as all relationships do. For that, I will be forever grateful.