One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

One day left until the Electric Daisy Carnival kicks off, and Vegas is taken over by 400,000 people. I keep getting asked, “aren’t you excited?!” Looking at my three-day pass sitting on my desk, I respond with, “I’m not going to get excited, I’m taking it as it comes.” If I get too excited, something could go wrong. When I got pulled over yesterday at the start of my day, my positivity continued to be challenged throughout the day once again. My anxiety started to take over. I kept thinking, “Is this how my entire summer is going to be like?” I have plans every weekend until the second week of August. On top of dealing with work, personal life and future goals brought me to “freak out” mode. Honestly, anxiety and stress are the worst and hard for me to control. I have to talk it out to make it go away, and lucky for me I was meeting up with two of my longtime friends.

I patiently waited at Town Square for my friends to arrive. I was excited to see Bri with her five month “bump.” She looked so cute. She told me the story behind the bundle of joy growing in her belly. Jan finally arrived, and Bri caught her up on the pregnancy details. I met Jan my first night in Vegas at JET Nightclub (now 1 Oak). She was a VIP cocktailer. Some random guy grabbed me, brought me to her area and left. Not caring about him, I started asking her how to get a job in the club. She was kind and patient to my drunk self and the rest is history. Bri, I met a few months later at my first Vegas bartending job. It’s crazy after five years how much things have changed, but we still remain close.

When I get confused on what my future holds and doubt myself, I’ll go see a psychic. I know that may seem crazy to some, but it helps my anxiety. Some people believe and some don’t. It’s a personal opinion. I have a strong sense of intuition, but sometimes I need reassurance. I usually go and see this lady, Valentina, at a place in Vegas called Psychic Sessions. I’ve been to her three times, and what she has told me has always come true right down to the date. A lot of my friends have gone to her, and all the things she told them came true too. It can be a little creepy. The last time I went was in April with another friend, and slowly the things she told us both are started to unfold. What she told was hard to take and not what I wanted to hear, but that is the risk in going. She warned me of my anxiety and to understand things happen for a reason. I’m heading into the next chapter of my life, not to have doubt, stay strong even though I will continue to freak out. I always take what she says with a grain of salt, but it is always on the back of mind. I needed to focus on myself rather than get distracted.

Jan reminded me that in order to control my anxiety and stay focus, I need to think about now, not the future. If I push too hard, it will only end up a mess and could screw things up. “Think about what is going to happen in the next hour, not in the next three months. Focus on the positive and get rid of the negative.” She’s right. That’s why people get anxiety. Fear about the future instead of what is going on at the moment. The only way to get rid of it is to return to the present. It’s just hard with of all things I have lined up this summer, on top of what my future holds.

After EDC, my family comes into town for the next two weekends for my brother’s wedding, and after, I have to move to a new home. In July, the first weekend I may go to Seattle if the Foundation Nightclub opens that weekend; Friday, July 13, I’m being auctioned off for the Annual Adam & Eve charity event and Saturday back to Seattle for the Annual Diamond Ball my friend puts on; July 20 is the big birthday celebration (details soon) and July 27 is my actual birthday. First weekend in August is Seafair, and the weekend after is the Hot 100 Finale followed by a lot of other birthdays. I’m extremely grateful to be able to experience so many awesome things, but it is very overwhelming.

I got home after dinner and made moves to get back control of my life. I set goals and called a couple of friends to help remind me to calm myself when I get in these frenzies. It doesn’t happen overnight. I need to pay attention to the signs I often get. I got a random email this week from someone I don’t know.  “Look backward with satisfaction and look forward with confidence, you’ll succeed in your life. Be bold when you lose, be calm when you win. Best of luck!” I may constantly be striving to step forward, but even when I step backwards, I need to stop being so hard on myself.  As for my “future path”… only time will tell.